emeraldembers: (Default)
One of my dearest online friends recently asked in a post how to go about enjoying her own company, and after reading it, I kept thinking how I should make a post about why I don't particularly mind mine. Before I do this, however, I will note something fairly obvious but important; this is based entirely on my own experience, and it might not be of use to anyone else. Some bits might seem relevant or useful, other bits twee or outright wrong. This is just what works for me, and my main reason for talking out loud here is that if any one part of it is helpful to even one person, then it is worth saying.

i. Bearing your own company and forgiving yourself. )

ii. Enjoying your own company and accepting that you are worth loving. )

RIGHT.

Aug. 4th, 2010 03:27 pm
emeraldembers: (Default)
So, the main Casfest fic is off getting betaed (omg :O) and WE HAVE INTERNETS AT OUR FLAT AT LONG LAST, making it time to sort out the to-do list again.

1) Casfest pinch hit
2) SPN rare pairs entry
3) Phone NHS and tell them I don't have to worry about my cervix at this moment in time kthx (potentially the single best thing about being a 25-year old virgin?)
4) Fanfic for gulf_aid now
5) Podfic for gulf_aid_now
6) WATCH INCEPTION OMG
7) Maybe watch Eclipse I CAN'T HELP IT IF CARLISLE IS HOT AND THE MOVIES ACTUALLY MAKE THE CHARACTERS BEARABLE OR AT LEAST AMUSING
8) help_haiti pinch hit
9) SHERLOCK PORN BEFORE MY OVARIES KILL ME
10) Enough ficlets to complete a bingo for schmoop_bingo
11) Another fic in the righteous!Jo universe before people have my guts for garters
12) CATCH UP ON COMMENTS FFFFFF

Oh, and to sort out my post, because I have two stockings that needed sending off sometime in FEBRUARY and I still haven't done it, ugh. And to order SPN season 4 on blu-ray.

I'm also thinking I should look into using the few days I booked off in late September to have a holiday on my own. I've been, essentially, panicking for the better part of two months now; I'm just not processing right at the moment, I'm getting confused and distracted and forgetful, I'm bumping into things when I walk around all the time, I forget to eat or drink or sleep unless other people or physical discomfort remind me that all three are necessities rather than hobbies, I'm not even doing my job properly and I can feel it. I'm letting myself drift, and I dislike being this way when I know if I settle down for a moment at a time when I'm not tired, shut out the world around me and just let my brain play free association for a few hours then I'll be okay. It can be unsettling to daydream for that length of time but sometimes it's just necessary, and I've yet to find an easier way to work out the kinks in my thought processes; I used to think maybe I daydreamed to escape reality, but as I've grown up it's started occurring to me that I seem to daydream to cope with reality.

ETA: Funnily enough, it only just occurred to me I've never tried simply using an eye mask and earplugs to provide a similar sensory deprivation effect. I think once my new bank card comes through I may have to look into purchasing them for a test run.

Yet again I'd like to thank all of you for the support you've given me while I've been piecing everything back together, and I hope to be back to my usual self soon because you deserve better than my weird moods. Love you <3.
emeraldembers: (Default)
Yeeeeeeaaaaaah, so, today I was standing next to two very old guys when waiting to cross the road, and I... leaned on one of them.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. He was just standing there, and I was close enough to go "Ooh! Body heat!"1 and I leaned, and then thought "Wait, I'm leaning on this dude", and stepped away, and the poor dude looked somewhere between scared and confused because in all fairness there he is standing next to his mate at a traffic stop and this total stranger red-haired chick walks over and leans on him.

SO. How has your day been so far?

1. I did not actually say this out loud, it is simply the thought that ran through my head. NOT THAT THIS ACTUALLY HELPS IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

Srs bznss!

Aug. 31st, 2009 01:34 pm
emeraldembers: (Default)
A non-fun fact about being neuro-atypical.

Normally when I talk about dyspraxia I tend to elaborate on the fun side of it (complete lack of natural social mores, weirdly wired nerves) and gloss over the icky bits like a nervous system that's about as speedy and reliable as Windows Vista on a computer with 256MB RAM, but I do think there's one thing I kind of owe it to myself to try and explain, largely because a few people on finding out I dislike certain sounds feel the need to exaggerate the noise and don't understand why I lash out physically or verbally.

The problem is that the reaction to the sounds is completely irrational. I'm aware of this; I'm aware that I should be perfectly able to cope with these sounds or at least to ignore them.

But for some reason, if I hear certain sounds - in particular slurping, or chewing with the mouth open - I actually feel physical pain. And it's embarrassing. My back and shoulders seize up to the point where it hurts, my ears ache, and I even get a really, really odd pain just behind my eyeballs. It makes it very, very difficult to concentrate on anything else.

It also, unlike normal pain where I just wince my way through it or whinge, renders me absolutely, raging, near incapable of self-control angry. And I hate being angry, it's draining and upsetting and I hurt people I normally like; and I think it stems out of a fear that particular pain provokes. The tense pain across my upper body and behind my eyes feels as if someone's trying to rip something inside me and it's a terrifying feeling, as if the pain I feel at that sound is going to actually tear me apart.

I know you guys are awesome and aren't the type to go "Oh really? NOM NOM NOM" with your mouths open to prove some puerile point but an awful, awful lot of people are - including perfectly intelligent people who just don't think for a second that maybe they're doing something idiotic - and I feel more people should know about this, because as embarrassing as it is, if I don't say something when I'm lucky enough to be quite verbose for someone with dyspraxia, then I'm not doing any favours for anyone with dyspraxia who does share this particular variety of reaction but lacks the ability to express how it feels.

Anyhow. Just wanted to get that off my chest, and thanks to anyone who actually got to the end of this!

Grr!

Apr. 7th, 2009 02:49 pm
emeraldembers: (not happy (SGA))
Dear every single article regarding autism that's popped up this month so far; do you have to have a section about the 'causes' of autism?

Protip; it's a lot easier coming to terms with the limitation of your abilities from a neurological quirk if you don't have to read about theories on how it could have been prevented.

You know what would have happened if I grew up on a dairy-and-gluten-free diet? Nothing. Bugger all. I would be exactly the same as I am today only slightly more depressed because I wouldn't be able to drown my sorrows in a glass of baileys on the rocks when the occasion called for it.

And I like some of the quirks from being slightly below the middle of the autistic spectrum. I like that I can't quite comprehend the idea of other people thinking about me, I like that I sometimes make people laugh when I get confused by something that should be simple, I like that I sometimes think of unique solutions because I don't look at a problem in exactly the same way as a 'regular' person would.

Stop talking about autism like it's something you can 'cure'. Diseases are for curing. This is a condition. It's for living with.

*gets off soapbox*

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