Ramblings

Just been watching Amazing Grace, which while historically inaccurate (for starters, Benedict Cumberbatch and Ioan Gruffudd play British politicians, and I'm pretty certain there are laws against people that attractive entering our political system) was really quite an enjoyable watch for a Sunday afternoon.

More than anything though, I really liked some of the scenes about faith that weren't in any explicit way about the Bible, but instead about love for the simpler things in life, love for things like the intricacy of spiders' webs and dandelions. I always remember at university walking through a park with a friend from abroad and telling her the names of the plants and birds I knew, and her being amused whenever I wasn't sure, all things considered this is the country I've always lived in.

I think it's sometimes very easy to get wrapped up in spectacle to a point where it's the only thing you truly enjoy. I'll admit, I'm a sucker for it - throw in an explosion or two, a few pretty guys and girls, and you've instantly perked up my interest in a movie. However, I think it's good once in a while to just step back and not smell the roses - roses are beautiful, yes, but we usually see them in shop windows, not on bushes in their natural state, caterpillar-nibbled, greenfly-infested, browning at the edges and utterly beautiful despite that - and instead look at the really simple everyday things we take for granted. Clover, daisies, dandelions, and the very grass itself; I think there's beauty everywhere we look and we sometimes forget that 'everywhere we look' happens to include the things around us.

Faith and inspiration are curious things and I wouldn't expect everyone to experience them in the same way; I'm frequently forgetful and can sometimes go days or even weeks without prayer or meditation, even if I'm particularly thankful or particularly upset about a change or an event in my life. The one constant is that every so often I do remember, and when I do, it's always a welcome relief, like getting a call from a close friend or family member, or like getting a weight taken off your shoulders you didn't even realise was there.

Faith's a curious thing for me in that I understand the science and logic behind the majority of arguments against it. I think perhaps in my case it helps that my faith doesn't particularly guide my life - I've felt as long as I remember that there was something more than what we see to life, but at the same time, I always felt that love was more important than anything else. Faith supports rather than guides how I live, for the most part.

I also think one of the driving forces in my belief in both science and faith is simply that our understanding of the universe is largely drawn from one point - the big bang theory - where we currently assume there was a mass, said mass exploded, and the universe is still forming from the results of that explosion. It's that mass that is the most curious thing of all; where did it come from, and why did it explode in such a way that our almost statistically impossible existence was assured?

I don't believe that the big bang theory in any way 'proves' that there are deities or greater powers out there, but I do believe it points out that there is a reason why people constantly ask "Why are we here?" - that reason being, no matter how you look at it, via science or religion, the "How are we here?" answers are extraodinary.

The universe is a weird, wonderful, incredibly unlikely thing, and sometimes it likes to give you a gentle nudge - or a firm kick in the pants - to remind you of that. Today I appreciate the reminder, and I think I'll take a walk instead of getting the bus so I can look at all those little things I forget to appreciate when I'm distracted.

Some would argue the little things are distracting in and of themselves, but I beg to differ. I think they could be a key in answering the question of "Why", and maybe I'll never know the answer while I'm alive, but I'm happy to keep guessing.

It's been a good long while since it last happened, but today I can quite honestly, quite truthfully say that right now I am feeling completely and utterly content. You know when you have one of those moments when you just feel - when you feel as if you honestly wouldn't mind if you just died there and then? Because for a moment you don't miss anything or regret anything or - it's not often it happens but I'm going to enjoy it for however long it lasts. Might only be a few hours but it's a really lovely sensation; as if all my brain chemistry is suddenly just right for a moment.

( Cut for a little ramble about faith; got a bit carried away :) )

In a surprisingly literal sense.

Been on the verge of a nervous breakdown for over a week because of issues irl, spend what, three, five minutes maybe praying last night for a break, and in a whirl everything clicks into place, I scrawl out an entire page in my notepad of things I can do to make everything a little easier, and I already feel ten tonnes better. My new-new-boss at work now knows how stressed I've been and is doing everything in her power to help out, I've taken a weight off my mind by passing several repeat calls onto complaints rather than dealing with them myself any longer, and I've made a to-do list of things that'll cheer me up over the coming months, and just... yeah.

For the first time in a couple of weeks I'm not using the happy moments with my friends as a crutch for survival, I'm using them as something to look forward to, and work feels like work rather than like something to dread with every inch of my being.

Thanks big dude in the sky <3. I owe you one.